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SIX GEESE A-LAYING: LASCIVIOUS CHIMNEYS IN CHRISTMAS MUSIC

The most famous is Eartha Kitt’s creepy little-girl-voiced “Santa Baby,” wherein she implores said Santa Baby to “hurry down my chimney tonight.” I know lots of people like Eartha Kitt, and this song in particular, but I don’t like little-girlish sexiness, call me a prude. It’s a clever song, and there’s nothing in the song that demands it be sung little-girlishly, but I’ve never heard anyone else do it.

Less famous is Ella Fitzgerald’s equally little-girlish, and more bizarre, “Santa Claus got stuck in my chimney.” Not a good song.

My favorite lascivious chimney is in the Leiber-Stoller “Santa Claus Is Back In Town,” sung by Elvis on his first Christmas album in the late ‘50s. Elvis roars the last line, “Hang up your pretty stocking / Turn out the lights / Santa Claus is coming down your chimney tonight.” Elvis is pretty excited about it! Whoo!

I love lascivious singing -- maybe that’s my problem with little-girlish lasciviousness -- that’s not how I experience lasciviousness. I love the Big Bopper’s one, very lascivious, hit (“Oh baby that’s a-what I like!”), & I love Reg Presley of the Troggs dirty-young-man moaning on “Wild Thing” -- “Wild Thing, I think you move me, but I wanna know for sure, come on and hold me tight, you move me.” Dirty! He also trashed the Beach Boys’ golden hit “Good Vibrations,” making all those good vibrations and excitations sound dirty as hell, and underlining the obvious by inserting a word, “I, I love the colorful clothes she ALMOST wears.”

Lately there’s been some good lascivious women singing in Country Hit radio. This summer Gretchen Wilson sang, “I wear my jeans a little tight just to watch the little boys come undone” and “Gonna have a little fun, gonna get me some” with joyous carnality in Here For the Party. Also this summer I heard a woman on the Country Hit station singing about the pleasure of looking into “your” eyes and knowing that “you” want her no matter how much “you” try to be cool -- unfortunately I didn’t write down the singer’s name or recall enough of the words to be able to look the song up -- but it was another triumphantly carnal moment.

A lascivious sixth day of Christmas to all, and to all a good night!